my door does this thing where it

November 30, 2010

won’t close even though i keep closing it my door stays open. this is kind of too conveniently a great analogy for my life where the loose-ends are always flapping like yarn in my face. the door is open, but no, it is only ajar. i want to close it but it is ajar and all sorts of things come in. maybe it is time again, time again. but maybe the time is spring. i cannot wait for summer but this morning i understood in realizing from concluding that it is folly to love summer if i hate winter because summer leads to winter. i hate this weather. it makes me die every time that i am sleeping.

bj gave me bengal spice tea. he is the bearer of all sun into my life but i think that it makes sense to be afraid. i am not shy but i understand now what it is inside of me this tiger that is roaming red. he is frothy like strawberries and roaming always. he is watching and looking — but what is the glimmer that does not let go, threatening to choke? now i sound like eminem. i am a terrible friend to sarah. i am a terrible friend to alene. i am not a good friend. i have been a great, Great friend in my life long gone. why am i less nostalgic now? where are the people sitting around the table playing dominoes?

nicole wrote me a very long email about how much she misses her time with me. i did not even write back.

a strange guilt that comes from not writing back to emails. the only way i really talk to people is through text. and i still have not written back to kwaku. and i delete delete delete.

i just really think what happened is that i am a different person now who wants to close the door but it is ajar. literally. my bedroom door closes with much effort. bengal spice tea. i am waiting for the time to come when i can sit in the library and write. this is the only thing that i remember from college because i was in shock after. i was in shock because i had to go to the place where i would run away. i didnt but i would have. because i got sick and dad took me home. and then i moved here where i am now and i do not know if i can ever leave.

struggle is a knee jerk buzz word said my new friend cabbage who is orange. i dont know what that means. does this mean that my life is way easier than i think? i think maybe this is what this means.

the meaning of things is what, is running, it is not static and i am gone.



November 27, 2010

listen the hydra speak what want. what do you want swaying in a sitting tree? listen the you speak don’t talk. understand that you are, that who you are. that which they have shown you is love, love is. the numbers hide the people don’t listen but you are here in cold shimmer dust, the bed, the hide, the flight. your vegetable tells you the moon is rising. you can go anywhere to be anything and yet you chose this. you choose this from happiness. you find peace the hydra. not draco with yellow eyes. the teacher had yellow eyes. i never realized this was reptilian feature.

do not hurt the lotus-only hurt yourself a little, a visceral, so you can recover. nonetheless, winter is never needed for summer. i always know how precious is heat and i always love precious, love love.



i love kaleidoscope














November 2, 2010

its weird how mustard is so good and youre eating it and youre like mmmm bitter sour mustard mmm spicy but then youre like what is this even? what is mustard even? its like the guts of small perfectly round seeds. youre like, wait, i like mustard, but what the hell is mustard?!