won’t close even though i keep closing it my door stays open. this is kind of too conveniently a great analogy for my life where the loose-ends are always flapping like yarn in my face. the door is open, but no, it is only ajar. i want to close it but it is ajar and all sorts of things come in. maybe it is time again, time again. but maybe the time is spring. i cannot wait for summer but this morning i understood in realizing from concluding that it is folly to love summer if i hate winter because summer leads to winter. i hate this weather. it makes me die every time that i am sleeping.
bj gave me bengal spice tea. he is the bearer of all sun into my life but i think that it makes sense to be afraid. i am not shy but i understand now what it is inside of me this tiger that is roaming red. he is frothy like strawberries and roaming always. he is watching and looking — but what is the glimmer that does not let go, threatening to choke? now i sound like eminem. i am a terrible friend to sarah. i am a terrible friend to alene. i am not a good friend. i have been a great, Great friend in my life long gone. why am i less nostalgic now? where are the people sitting around the table playing dominoes?
nicole wrote me a very long email about how much she misses her time with me. i did not even write back.
a strange guilt that comes from not writing back to emails. the only way i really talk to people is through text. and i still have not written back to kwaku. and i delete delete delete.
i just really think what happened is that i am a different person now who wants to close the door but it is ajar. literally. my bedroom door closes with much effort. bengal spice tea. i am waiting for the time to come when i can sit in the library and write. this is the only thing that i remember from college because i was in shock after. i was in shock because i had to go to the place where i would run away. i didnt but i would have. because i got sick and dad took me home. and then i moved here where i am now and i do not know if i can ever leave.
struggle is a knee jerk buzz word said my new friend cabbage who is orange. i dont know what that means. does this mean that my life is way easier than i think? i think maybe this is what this means.
the meaning of things is what, is running, it is not static and i am gone.