December 28, 2010
well there is a lot of media that was telling me to love my life but is it so that i am so dependent on them to tell me how to be. why is there only one thing that brings me peace. you know what maybe it is time to fall out of love. i think decidedly it is time to fall out of love. kick up my shit you wanna? it takes a lot of courage to go out there and radiate your essence. is there anything that fills my heart? i am sick of being in love. this is not enough. there is the tunnel that i wanna charge electrons in, i wanna broke the smoke and see with such clarity. which means that it’s time for another thing too that will maybe leave me out get me and pull me out. there are some songs and free cheese everywhere. i don’t know what to do with my morals i don’t know what to do with myself. i am nauseous and maybe i should not work these hours and sleep these hours that i am doing doing right now. i just want to stop saying i because i am only focused on my one self right now the omega that burns.
hydra is dead. we found out that hydra is not a one but inhabits. infuses i think. be the hydra is not embodied by us or one, it is the spirit that sweeps dust swiftly into your eyes and then in the desert you are there being the hydra barefoot long hair flowing. there are some beautiful things to be but the skirt, it is old. it is winter now and time for some things new. i am going to die one day soon and what will i have left? is there anything i want to read or create or write? is there anything i want to eat or do? who do i want to vibe from? who is my lover and that makes me nauseous this talk of love. it makes me sick this talk of love and closeness and friendship. the slowness poison is seeping and good things like the thing we must no longer say, they are making us want to faint and die. there is this bitterness inside of the belly that sits heavy. i am so hungry and i’ve eaten all day. disgusting. selves be fire, why can’t i just be harry potter?
allow trackbacks and pingbacks on this page?? my entire back is a track and i walk on my own back. what–am–i–doing–with–this–shit
what is life?
where are we going?
these elemental things. the wind is forcing inside of my window. i deserve to have a nosebleed. tonight is that kind of night. this child is wavering into my headphones. these beautiful things are raising bile. i hate the word beautiful. i hate beauty. i want to laser like a slice. i want to be huge and power. i want to vibrate you when i walk. i want to glare into your eyes and then you are afraid. i do not want your love i just want nothing of it. no such thing. nosaj thing. no. no. negate it, negate everything. what bad decisions. i can knit. but that would be creation and i am not able to be creation. tonight is a terrible. horcrux. of. my. lyfe.
be free but that is another beautiful thing that i cannot stand.
these thrashings. they are horrible like sharks. these leaves are going to tentacle choke me to death.
December 19, 2010
I need to stop eating. I’m eating in substitution of this other thing that I want and can’t have. It feels like a nosebleed in my mouth.
I want to be home where Bjpie is sleeping like a cute worm in my bed, but I am hear at work, trying to demystify three ridiculous pieces of sql instead.
December 19, 2010
there is a boy who wrote a thing and in the thing he said that he wants to fight hedonism. that made so much sense to me then and now it makes even more sense to me why you’d want to fight hedonism. there is this horrible river that i’m in of addictions and i can’t let go of them or at least i’m trying but they’re not gone yet but i guess i made progress but in a way that was the opposite of the desired trajectory.
like, i want to be young and have all these privileges. even the concept of being young is fucked up and divisive. and prejudiced, and also just really rude. ‘young’?? WHAT. this is stupid. i know that my mind fights against this idea because i have one long white hair and i love this white hair because it is cool and different. but then i have to go do things like get really drunk with some stranger douche boy. why is it that i am so insanely wanting to swoon and dance in loud music? i like to feel hammered, literally the feeling of something beating repetitively against the side of my head. it is a kind of destruction that i like.
so this stupid website about how to be in your 20s, it is bullshit. it makes me feel like i should do things that make me ill. it is bad for me. it is bad for the world. it is bad for my goals and values and morals. HELP THE PEOPLE?? who helps anyone? when have i ever helped someone. i don’t help people. i need to start helping people. i should help someone right now. i don’t need to party and be drunk and swaying with loud music. i will eat music to survive and uplift and that is it, really to draw the line, that should be it. the voice goes, but one more druggy sexy night. just one more dot before the ellipse is complete and you are done being young. just one more time tripping in the museum of fine arts. just one more one more. but that is the hedonism that makes so much sense to fight because it is in my way and without it i cannot see because it is a lead blindfold of confusion.
these vibes in the air buzzing, they be killing me filthy.
on another note, this is sexy.
December 17, 2010
this thing makes me feel like i’m living my life all wrong.
December 13, 2010
bj is a cute little cat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
December 12, 2010
ahhhh simpler days, you were so simple, even though everything is always complicated.
December 10, 2010
the night is filled with promises though here i sit dying and rotting. no i am not rotting because i feel can feel the vigor that is coursing like vitality reality. haha no. but really though there is something in my mind is so hypher cypher wanting to expulse but there is no one, but when there is someone then i am saying no and turning back in into the bed that is my home. this place is cold and it’s funny how much i really hate winter. do we remember how we loved winter and they said, you are going to hate winter? they were right. talking to strangers all strangers everywhere just walking talking wishing but then it’s like if i actually hung out with them then i would be bored and stressed.
where to go and what to do? i know there are things pending. books mostly and studying for things. when will i have what i want?
what i mostly want is heat though.
i cant have what i mostly want, which is heat.
there are things here that cannot be said. i want that thing that i saw them do. there is no one though. and i still have long hair. there are limits. im at the limit and there is no going further. thank you god for hulu.