i don’t deserve peace

because why should i, i am so lucky so why should i have peace? no. i have everything. other people should have peace. i wish buria had peace.

i have been having violent nightmares. in one i was a woman with a baby and they were trying to decapitate us.

this morning i dreamt that this boy i know was attacked because of being trans and someone beat him in the head. he fell asleep, not realizing that he was bleeding. he died choking on his blood. i saw it. i saw this.

am i just remembering these things because i am sleeping so late? maybe it would be good to wake up earlier. but i am exhausted anyhow because of the everything change and the torture of love. and the thrashing and knowing the meaning of being alive. i was thinking of keeping these hours for longer than they are making me because i think i can make a difference with the extra $$$ — and i cannot say to myself that i deserve peace and deserve not to toss and turn and wake up every hour and have violent nightmares. because why would i. what have i done to deserve feeling ok all of the time? my life just keeps getting on better and better, even with its caveats. and so, i think i can tolerate a little bit of suffocation because it is not even on my own blood. i am blessed and chosen and so i have to do it right.

i think it would be very selfish to give up the chance to help people just because i want to sleep at night.

i think let’s look at something yellow:


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