tonight is the first night I’ve stayed up this late in like six months and these things are swilling around esophagusly
somewhere along the line i developed this idea that my time is valuable because i do important things with it. this happened prbly junior yr of college when i was totally switching over majors and had to take a million econ classes all at once and had zero time to do anything but study and i ate so much i gained 20 pounds.
i would, like read, develop my idea of feminism sexism racism classism. i think i shaped a mold that year that’s right now sagging. sagging mold.
i mean, i don’t care about anything anymore. i want to have fun and be energetic and excited. so the solution is to go find friends, or at least have friends find me, and have merry times as much as possible.
but like i can’t. i don’t wanta. i still have this idea that my time is valuable and that i need to save it because it is precious so i can keep molding and becoming, and the final stage of this exercise that i planned–i remember it every moment of every day–is the doing stage. which never happened, and prbly never will.
kwaku i love u
the universe is huge. i am the dust of it.
so it’s weird how feeling a sense of possibility is like this huge big thing that rarely happens that i am now blogging about.
what to do with life. what to do with it? how to be useful n happy? no clue. still searching.
i have no friends.