bj’s ideas for what my co-worker is going to name his sons when he has them.
WELL THEN. wellllllllllllll. there is a lot to take in to-day. the changes that are coming and the thing that i wanted that i will not have. i will have to speedily rapid along like a forest burbling. or a stormy cauldron. i will have to be ferocious like a cat. how will i do all this and how can this be done in time? to-night i must go home and then i must sleep there as soon as i can like a traveling band of sleeping mice. my baby is not coming till fryday and so i will play with my orange friend to-morrow and then be worried.
i am a little bit surroundedless and it is driving me insane. this thing that i wanted was to be fr33 but it has now instead put me into a dream. my 5y5s do not focus on t!me and the sunlight is dazing. who will come next? i want to leave with a good plate of things that will be nice to be proud of, but at once, i do not want to inherit the things that will come to me. to-day a one sneezed and i almost burst into tears from excitement.
maybe i can put a picture here, one there, this and that. the things that i have wanted–i am nowhere close to. no that is not true. to be mostly out of debt even with some pending is a thought that is exciting. the summer, it will come. when will i be able to sleep though? i have a lease, a child to consider! (my lease is the child.) august 2011 is when i will be free and then i will go places. what can i do to keep myself alive now? is there food? is there magic? i want to eat exciting things and feel miracles! i want lots of help to make me happy and better.
there was this beautiful journey that changed my life that my baby and i were stumbling within. now i want to hold the things that it taught me. but already my eyes are glommed onto the neon lights that i am fighting. how will i get away from these things that are dragging on me? little by little i want to break the pieces and find a way to be free. but there are these nightmares that i am still having during which i am running with my family in some terrible war. hmmmmmmmmm. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
mOn3Y i$ the k!ll3r————–
I need to stop eating. I’m eating in substitution of this other thing that I want and can’t have. It feels like a nosebleed in my mouth.
I want to be home where Bjpie is sleeping like a cute worm in my bed, but I am hear at work, trying to demystify three ridiculous pieces of sql instead.
won’t close even though i keep closing it my door stays open. this is kind of too conveniently a great analogy for my life where the loose-ends are always flapping like yarn in my face. the door is open, but no, it is only ajar. i want to close it but it is ajar and all sorts of things come in. maybe it is time again, time again. but maybe the time is spring. i cannot wait for summer but this morning i understood in realizing from concluding that it is folly to love summer if i hate winter because summer leads to winter. i hate this weather. it makes me die every time that i am sleeping.
bj gave me bengal spice tea. he is the bearer of all sun into my life but i think that it makes sense to be afraid. i am not shy but i understand now what it is inside of me this tiger that is roaming red. he is frothy like strawberries and roaming always. he is watching and looking — but what is the glimmer that does not let go, threatening to choke? now i sound like eminem. i am a terrible friend to sarah. i am a terrible friend to alene. i am not a good friend. i have been a great, Great friend in my life long gone. why am i less nostalgic now? where are the people sitting around the table playing dominoes?
nicole wrote me a very long email about how much she misses her time with me. i did not even write back.
a strange guilt that comes from not writing back to emails. the only way i really talk to people is through text. and i still have not written back to kwaku. and i delete delete delete.
i just really think what happened is that i am a different person now who wants to close the door but it is ajar. literally. my bedroom door closes with much effort. bengal spice tea. i am waiting for the time to come when i can sit in the library and write. this is the only thing that i remember from college because i was in shock after. i was in shock because i had to go to the place where i would run away. i didnt but i would have. because i got sick and dad took me home. and then i moved here where i am now and i do not know if i can ever leave.
struggle is a knee jerk buzz word said my new friend cabbage who is orange. i dont know what that means. does this mean that my life is way easier than i think? i think maybe this is what this means.
the meaning of things is what, is running, it is not static and i am gone.
here i am right now
pie is perfect.