kwaku i love u
bilious milky billowing mushroom things they are shapes. these are in all the freshery of green. clicking peculiar lacquerish rustling white chalky covered cover foot. bandaged hands and head with tall horns. creeping towards the samurai who dies is dying but they bandage him so his bilious milky mushroom cloud life stops to pour out. they are saving him! they save him these creatures horned goat mask people folk!
but wait, who is this? is it her, his lover? she creeps closer then jerkily clo-clos-close-closer.
then they be under water. she is holding his head in her hands. they are floating airily.
then she unties him so his mushroom milky life floats upwards oozing gentle unfurl. she sucks it in through her white lips. they were saving him till she could eat his life furling out. he dies.
WELL THEN. wellllllllllllll. there is a lot to take in to-day. the changes that are coming and the thing that i wanted that i will not have. i will have to speedily rapid along like a forest burbling. or a stormy cauldron. i will have to be ferocious like a cat. how will i do all this and how can this be done in time? to-night i must go home and then i must sleep there as soon as i can like a traveling band of sleeping mice. my baby is not coming till fryday and so i will play with my orange friend to-morrow and then be worried.
i am a little bit surroundedless and it is driving me insane. this thing that i wanted was to be fr33 but it has now instead put me into a dream. my 5y5s do not focus on t!me and the sunlight is dazing. who will come next? i want to leave with a good plate of things that will be nice to be proud of, but at once, i do not want to inherit the things that will come to me. to-day a one sneezed and i almost burst into tears from excitement.
maybe i can put a picture here, one there, this and that. the things that i have wanted–i am nowhere close to. no that is not true. to be mostly out of debt even with some pending is a thought that is exciting. the summer, it will come. when will i be able to sleep though? i have a lease, a child to consider! (my lease is the child.) august 2011 is when i will be free and then i will go places. what can i do to keep myself alive now? is there food? is there magic? i want to eat exciting things and feel miracles! i want lots of help to make me happy and better.
there was this beautiful journey that changed my life that my baby and i were stumbling within. now i want to hold the things that it taught me. but already my eyes are glommed onto the neon lights that i am fighting. how will i get away from these things that are dragging on me? little by little i want to break the pieces and find a way to be free. but there are these nightmares that i am still having during which i am running with my family in some terrible war. hmmmmmmmmm. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
mOn3Y i$ the k!ll3r————–
won’t close even though i keep closing it my door stays open. this is kind of too conveniently a great analogy for my life where the loose-ends are always flapping like yarn in my face. the door is open, but no, it is only ajar. i want to close it but it is ajar and all sorts of things come in. maybe it is time again, time again. but maybe the time is spring. i cannot wait for summer but this morning i understood in realizing from concluding that it is folly to love summer if i hate winter because summer leads to winter. i hate this weather. it makes me die every time that i am sleeping.
bj gave me bengal spice tea. he is the bearer of all sun into my life but i think that it makes sense to be afraid. i am not shy but i understand now what it is inside of me this tiger that is roaming red. he is frothy like strawberries and roaming always. he is watching and looking — but what is the glimmer that does not let go, threatening to choke? now i sound like eminem. i am a terrible friend to sarah. i am a terrible friend to alene. i am not a good friend. i have been a great, Great friend in my life long gone. why am i less nostalgic now? where are the people sitting around the table playing dominoes?
nicole wrote me a very long email about how much she misses her time with me. i did not even write back.
a strange guilt that comes from not writing back to emails. the only way i really talk to people is through text. and i still have not written back to kwaku. and i delete delete delete.
i just really think what happened is that i am a different person now who wants to close the door but it is ajar. literally. my bedroom door closes with much effort. bengal spice tea. i am waiting for the time to come when i can sit in the library and write. this is the only thing that i remember from college because i was in shock after. i was in shock because i had to go to the place where i would run away. i didnt but i would have. because i got sick and dad took me home. and then i moved here where i am now and i do not know if i can ever leave.
struggle is a knee jerk buzz word said my new friend cabbage who is orange. i dont know what that means. does this mean that my life is way easier than i think? i think maybe this is what this means.
the meaning of things is what, is running, it is not static and i am gone.
listen the hydra speak what want. what do you want swaying in a sitting tree? listen the you speak don’t talk. understand that you are, that who you are. that which they have shown you is love, love is. the numbers hide the people don’t listen but you are here in cold shimmer dust, the bed, the hide, the flight. your vegetable tells you the moon is rising. you can go anywhere to be anything and yet you chose this. you choose this from happiness. you find peace the hydra. not draco with yellow eyes. the teacher had yellow eyes. i never realized this was reptilian feature.
do not hurt the lotus-only hurt yourself a little, a visceral, so you can recover. nonetheless, winter is never needed for summer. i always know how precious is heat and i always love precious, love love.
i love kaleidoscope
here i am right now
pie is perfect.