hmmmmmm, or hrrrrrrrnnnnnnnndlingrrr

January 4, 2011

WELL THEN. wellllllllllllll. there is a lot to take in to-day. the changes that are coming and the thing that i wanted that i will not have. i will have to speedily rapid along like a forest burbling. or a stormy cauldron. i will have to be ferocious like a cat. how will i do all this and how can this be done in time? to-night i must go home and then i must sleep there as soon as i can like a traveling band of sleeping mice. my baby is not coming till fryday and so i will play with my orange friend to-morrow and then be worried.

i am a little bit surroundedless and it is driving me insane. this thing that i wanted was to be fr33 but it has now instead put me into a dream. my 5y5s do not focus on t!me and the sunlight is dazing. who will come next? i want to leave with a good plate of things that will be nice to be proud of, but at once, i do not want to inherit the things that will come to me. to-day a one sneezed and i almost burst into tears from excitement.

maybe i can put a picture here, one there, this and that. the things that i have wanted–i am nowhere close to. no that is not true. to be mostly out of debt even with some pending is a thought that is exciting. the summer, it will come. when will i be able to sleep though? i have a lease, a child to consider! (my lease is the child.) august 2011 is when i will be free and then i will go places. what can i do to keep myself alive now? is there food? is there magic? i want to eat exciting things and feel miracles! i want lots of help to make me happy and better.

there was this beautiful journey that changed my life that my baby and i were stumbling within. now i want to hold the things that it taught me. but already my eyes are glommed onto  the neon lights that i am fighting. how will i get away from these things that are dragging on me? little by little i want to break the pieces and find a way to be free. but there are these nightmares that i am still having during which i am running with my family in some terrible war. hmmmmmmmmm. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

mOn3Y i$ the k!ll3r————–

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lower your eyelids to die with the sun

December 2, 2010

this morning’s night terror was terrible and came with lightning and i am shaken. i dreamt that me and bj had a son. and i remember giving birth to my sun my son our son. and we were raising him and he was still a baby and i know exactly where this comes from, this comes from kaleidoscope’s baby, and lessons learned. and the thing is was will that it was to be so lovely. but then there was a daughter and i did not remember giving birth to her, but she was a part of my family all of a sudden. and she was babier than our son. but we were playing with both. and bj would say, “of course she is ours” but i was so skeptical because i did not remember. at thanksgiving we went to their heiss with the giant dining room with a bend. don’t trust rooms with bends! in this room was a person trying to eat vegetarian and i started crying because this moved me so much that she didn’t want animals to be raped and burned alive. i told her how grateful i was that she was trying. and she was moved too.

then there was a man. he was dancing with this woman. i could not take my eyes off the woman. something about her was so eerily familiar. it was a rebecca (not my friend from high school) but a rebecca i know from television. she was morphing though, in her face. there was clearly something different about her and it seemed dark and scary. kept staring at her face. and then it came.

it was bj who realized that the second baby, it was hers. it was her baby. and someone had given her mine. my youngest one. and i did not know what she had done with my baby. there was lightning a horrible flash my heart is breaking from terror and my eyes can’t see. bj is shouting. “THE BABY HAS TO COME HERE”

he is shouting this over and over again.

i don’t know what she did with my baby.

fucking bullshit. how many more nights. i am going to collapse if this doesn’t stop. but i have to remember that i am blessed with uncanny strength. so maybe i will not collapse. ok then terror, i will document what you bring me tomorrow, tomorrow.