The overwhelming wave of disappointment I feel when my alarm goes off in the afternoon is really incredible.
WELL THEN. wellllllllllllll. there is a lot to take in to-day. the changes that are coming and the thing that i wanted that i will not have. i will have to speedily rapid along like a forest burbling. or a stormy cauldron. i will have to be ferocious like a cat. how will i do all this and how can this be done in time? to-night i must go home and then i must sleep there as soon as i can like a traveling band of sleeping mice. my baby is not coming till fryday and so i will play with my orange friend to-morrow and then be worried.
i am a little bit surroundedless and it is driving me insane. this thing that i wanted was to be fr33 but it has now instead put me into a dream. my 5y5s do not focus on t!me and the sunlight is dazing. who will come next? i want to leave with a good plate of things that will be nice to be proud of, but at once, i do not want to inherit the things that will come to me. to-day a one sneezed and i almost burst into tears from excitement.
maybe i can put a picture here, one there, this and that. the things that i have wanted–i am nowhere close to. no that is not true. to be mostly out of debt even with some pending is a thought that is exciting. the summer, it will come. when will i be able to sleep though? i have a lease, a child to consider! (my lease is the child.) august 2011 is when i will be free and then i will go places. what can i do to keep myself alive now? is there food? is there magic? i want to eat exciting things and feel miracles! i want lots of help to make me happy and better.
there was this beautiful journey that changed my life that my baby and i were stumbling within. now i want to hold the things that it taught me. but already my eyes are glommed onto the neon lights that i am fighting. how will i get away from these things that are dragging on me? little by little i want to break the pieces and find a way to be free. but there are these nightmares that i am still having during which i am running with my family in some terrible war. hmmmmmmmmm. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
mOn3Y i$ the k!ll3r————–
well there is a lot of media that was telling me to love my life but is it so that i am so dependent on them to tell me how to be. why is there only one thing that brings me peace. you know what maybe it is time to fall out of love. i think decidedly it is time to fall out of love. kick up my shit you wanna? it takes a lot of courage to go out there and radiate your essence. is there anything that fills my heart? i am sick of being in love. this is not enough. there is the tunnel that i wanna charge electrons in, i wanna broke the smoke and see with such clarity. which means that it’s time for another thing too that will maybe leave me out get me and pull me out. there are some songs and free cheese everywhere. i don’t know what to do with my morals i don’t know what to do with myself. i am nauseous and maybe i should not work these hours and sleep these hours that i am doing doing right now. i just want to stop saying i because i am only focused on my one self right now the omega that burns.
hydra is dead. we found out that hydra is not a one but inhabits. infuses i think. be the hydra is not embodied by us or one, it is the spirit that sweeps dust swiftly into your eyes and then in the desert you are there being the hydra barefoot long hair flowing. there are some beautiful things to be but the skirt, it is old. it is winter now and time for some things new. i am going to die one day soon and what will i have left? is there anything i want to read or create or write? is there anything i want to eat or do? who do i want to vibe from? who is my lover and that makes me nauseous this talk of love. it makes me sick this talk of love and closeness and friendship. the slowness poison is seeping and good things like the thing we must no longer say, they are making us want to faint and die. there is this bitterness inside of the belly that sits heavy. i am so hungry and i’ve eaten all day. disgusting. selves be fire, why can’t i just be harry potter?
allow trackbacks and pingbacks on this page?? my entire back is a track and i walk on my own back. what–am–i–doing–with–this–shit
what is life?
where are we going?
these elemental things. the wind is forcing inside of my window. i deserve to have a nosebleed. tonight is that kind of night. this child is wavering into my headphones. these beautiful things are raising bile. i hate the word beautiful. i hate beauty. i want to laser like a slice. i want to be huge and power. i want to vibrate you when i walk. i want to glare into your eyes and then you are afraid. i do not want your love i just want nothing of it. no such thing. nosaj thing. no. no. negate it, negate everything. what bad decisions. i can knit. but that would be creation and i am not able to be creation. tonight is a terrible. horcrux. of. my. lyfe.
be free but that is another beautiful thing that i cannot stand.
these thrashings. they are horrible like sharks. these leaves are going to tentacle choke me to death.
there is a boy who wrote a thing and in the thing he said that he wants to fight hedonism. that made so much sense to me then and now it makes even more sense to me why you’d want to fight hedonism. there is this horrible river that i’m in of addictions and i can’t let go of them or at least i’m trying but they’re not gone yet but i guess i made progress but in a way that was the opposite of the desired trajectory.
like, i want to be young and have all these privileges. even the concept of being young is fucked up and divisive. and prejudiced, and also just really rude. ‘young’?? WHAT. this is stupid. i know that my mind fights against this idea because i have one long white hair and i love this white hair because it is cool and different. but then i have to go do things like get really drunk with some stranger douche boy. why is it that i am so insanely wanting to swoon and dance in loud music? i like to feel hammered, literally the feeling of something beating repetitively against the side of my head. it is a kind of destruction that i like.
so this stupid website about how to be in your 20s, it is bullshit. it makes me feel like i should do things that make me ill. it is bad for me. it is bad for the world. it is bad for my goals and values and morals. HELP THE PEOPLE?? who helps anyone? when have i ever helped someone. i don’t help people. i need to start helping people. i should help someone right now. i don’t need to party and be drunk and swaying with loud music. i will eat music to survive and uplift and that is it, really to draw the line, that should be it. the voice goes, but one more druggy sexy night. just one more dot before the ellipse is complete and you are done being young. just one more time tripping in the museum of fine arts. just one more one more. but that is the hedonism that makes so much sense to fight because it is in my way and without it i cannot see because it is a lead blindfold of confusion.
these vibes in the air buzzing, they be killing me filthy.
on another note, this is sexy.
because why should i, i am so lucky so why should i have peace? no. i have everything. other people should have peace. i wish buria had peace.
i have been having violent nightmares. in one i was a woman with a baby and they were trying to decapitate us.
this morning i dreamt that this boy i know was attacked because of being trans and someone beat him in the head. he fell asleep, not realizing that he was bleeding. he died choking on his blood. i saw it. i saw this.
am i just remembering these things because i am sleeping so late? maybe it would be good to wake up earlier. but i am exhausted anyhow because of the everything change and the torture of love. and the thrashing and knowing the meaning of being alive. i was thinking of keeping these hours for longer than they are making me because i think i can make a difference with the extra $$$ — and i cannot say to myself that i deserve peace and deserve not to toss and turn and wake up every hour and have violent nightmares. because why would i. what have i done to deserve feeling ok all of the time? my life just keeps getting on better and better, even with its caveats. and so, i think i can tolerate a little bit of suffocation because it is not even on my own blood. i am blessed and chosen and so i have to do it right.
i think it would be very selfish to give up the chance to help people just because i want to sleep at night.
i think let’s look at something yellow:
won’t close even though i keep closing it my door stays open. this is kind of too conveniently a great analogy for my life where the loose-ends are always flapping like yarn in my face. the door is open, but no, it is only ajar. i want to close it but it is ajar and all sorts of things come in. maybe it is time again, time again. but maybe the time is spring. i cannot wait for summer but this morning i understood in realizing from concluding that it is folly to love summer if i hate winter because summer leads to winter. i hate this weather. it makes me die every time that i am sleeping.
bj gave me bengal spice tea. he is the bearer of all sun into my life but i think that it makes sense to be afraid. i am not shy but i understand now what it is inside of me this tiger that is roaming red. he is frothy like strawberries and roaming always. he is watching and looking — but what is the glimmer that does not let go, threatening to choke? now i sound like eminem. i am a terrible friend to sarah. i am a terrible friend to alene. i am not a good friend. i have been a great, Great friend in my life long gone. why am i less nostalgic now? where are the people sitting around the table playing dominoes?
nicole wrote me a very long email about how much she misses her time with me. i did not even write back.
a strange guilt that comes from not writing back to emails. the only way i really talk to people is through text. and i still have not written back to kwaku. and i delete delete delete.
i just really think what happened is that i am a different person now who wants to close the door but it is ajar. literally. my bedroom door closes with much effort. bengal spice tea. i am waiting for the time to come when i can sit in the library and write. this is the only thing that i remember from college because i was in shock after. i was in shock because i had to go to the place where i would run away. i didnt but i would have. because i got sick and dad took me home. and then i moved here where i am now and i do not know if i can ever leave.
struggle is a knee jerk buzz word said my new friend cabbage who is orange. i dont know what that means. does this mean that my life is way easier than i think? i think maybe this is what this means.
the meaning of things is what, is running, it is not static and i am gone.
can i, potentially?
can i, will be?
my brothers where art thous, im searching for yous, i am not ending