hmmmmmm, or hrrrrrrrnnnnnnnndlingrrr

January 4, 2011

WELL THEN. wellllllllllllll. there is a lot to take in to-day. the changes that are coming and the thing that i wanted that i will not have. i will have to speedily rapid along like a forest burbling. or a stormy cauldron. i will have to be ferocious like a cat. how will i do all this and how can this be done in time? to-night i must go home and then i must sleep there as soon as i can like a traveling band of sleeping mice. my baby is not coming till fryday and so i will play with my orange friend to-morrow and then be worried.

i am a little bit surroundedless and it is driving me insane. this thing that i wanted was to be fr33 but it has now instead put me into a dream. my 5y5s do not focus on t!me and the sunlight is dazing. who will come next? i want to leave with a good plate of things that will be nice to be proud of, but at once, i do not want to inherit the things that will come to me. to-day a one sneezed and i almost burst into tears from excitement.

maybe i can put a picture here, one there, this and that. the things that i have wanted–i am nowhere close to. no that is not true. to be mostly out of debt even with some pending is a thought that is exciting. the summer, it will come. when will i be able to sleep though? i have a lease, a child to consider! (my lease is the child.) august 2011 is when i will be free and then i will go places. what can i do to keep myself alive now? is there food? is there magic? i want to eat exciting things and feel miracles! i want lots of help to make me happy and better.

there was this beautiful journey that changed my life that my baby and i were stumbling within. now i want to hold the things that it taught me. but already my eyes are glommed onto  the neon lights that i am fighting. how will i get away from these things that are dragging on me? little by little i want to break the pieces and find a way to be free. but there are these nightmares that i am still having during which i am running with my family in some terrible war. hmmmmmmmmm. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

mOn3Y i$ the k!ll3r————–

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the it of it–

September 25, 2010

that was when she met trizzle. trizzle is great good upta no good. there are scars on the back of hers from this flailing. slowly traipsing in fast motion thru light, geek, square eyeglasses. they are thickly framed and trizzle is inside of them. there is a bar and woozily making through. dancing krazily in beats like insane dogs. completely insane humans are much the same. we have had copious tequila. in the night there is wolfgang. he sits. he sits the wolfgang, climbing licking jumping, not insane but of love. of love is wolfgang the dog. he is a goodness to trizzle so hydra adopts the him. we are doing things. there is clumsy sticky.

much drink for the gullet has been had in pouring. no end to it. insisting upon paying in trying to stick to last reminiscence of radical feminist politics, or even feminist politics. woozilying.

then, hydra falls.

we are gone, we go to wolfgang the dog of trizzle. we are doing things in the night, she has made a sculpture of coins. there are things.

in the morning she wakes with scars upon the back of own.

these never disappear.

trizzle has taught her to tiger. hydraian fangs now evermore insatiable, seeking the soothe unfinding. we are of danger. we are of fighting and pouncing. soothe is no good4us. now trizzle is gone on the periphery of things, but the life as understood by series of addictions, addicted to adrenaline and the booms in our beakers, tipping into tongues of hott people, this madness unshruggable, we dont begin to care for meditation to rid ourselves of menace that sprouts growth like tongue tree vines, grip ground hold.

searching wildly with madness in the eyes of ours for flushed face and glow of those that will let us do them.

——————————

hoarse.


orange bit

May 10, 2010

orange bit of chalk inhaled and smaller bit broken off inhaled

harkness is boldness

we are BIGGER THAN THIS

we have BIG things to do that are BRIGHTER than this

to-morrow is may 11 which is a deadline for many things–it is said that it is the deadline for all things. an email to which there is no reply. DO I HAVE AN EXTENSION OR NOT?!?! senior week supposedly starting? fuck that shit. i have WORK to do. it is IMPORTANT work. in the ground back the wubi installs ubuntu 10.04. it is apparently unstable to share with windows via wubi, and live cd will become necessary. though toby is good. toby is very very good. i will have toby for many years always tobias, he is the best, i cant believe i thought id ever want another computer, who needs that when i have toby, me and toby are fucking soulmates.

the orange chalk gives breathery where was necessary. this novel comes now and place of no texture in night of last emerges swimming–and now, NOW, i have things to say. things orange are 17 in number and i have less than 17 days. how shall we do this? an image of swallowing them all at once, but lira stays the hand she does! lira is good inside of me now and she is being good to me.

if harkness is boldness and kindness is goodness then we are full grown!

we are fully grown to realize this, no?

cavortings past with boy of M. who is goat. goat talks. he reads. he bubbles with many and i am silent for loss of voice. what strange powerlessness to lose the voice? eating of soup now. eating this now with shells inside and guilt that they are oysters. they are not oysters but called oysters and to eat oyster shells probably reinforces the eating of oysters global-wide and this means that SO MUCH IS LOST! in eating animals, SO MUCH IS LOST.

please, i beg you, stop eating animals.

i would rather die!

mistakes are made but please think of stopping, or reducing, or calming, or staying, you can win this! VEGETABLEZ R DELICIOUS I PROMISE.

there was a boy bejai with whom i was in love and now we are in love still but of sort totally different and there is not smooching but nuzzlin and loving in voices. i have not seen him in TWELVE YEARS it seems though closer to 12 days. how will i live without him? he is my mother! when i say that i want mommy it is him that i want for mommy is adorable but mother of mine is actually child of mine, whose phone charger she leaves here in like. fucking february. and it is may and she does not have it still. mother i want to mail it to you but then father will open it! biofather that is, not father#1 nor father#2. trizd does not read this so he is no longer in touch for knowing which father is what and who is who. trizd has never answered his phone but once, and only to give directions or holler. we danced in the bar swaying falling. i have not been crunk as so since. missing tequilaness now! missing of the this but last night i tried to drink and body does not want and what is important is to–Listen.

orange chalk is giving goodness brightness lightness.

WE CAN DO THIS.

bejai thinks that i am right in the fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he thinks that just because i do not want to know grimy details of his other love lives does not make me a wuss who cant handle non-exclusivity. ALSO HE IS GETTING PUBLISHED. we are big. we are huge. lirbja have been working on Important Work for so many years, we have been waiting to jump off trains to make good things, good pieces, goodnesses. we have been trying to VEGANIZE and PROSELYTIZE and FEMINIZE and so much, such else, much big hugeness. and now it comes, bridge of success, and we are climbing and i hope that we make it.

universe, god, i hope that we make it up there because the world needs us to do this and we can do this and we can write books and give feelings.

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh too many emails sent. toooooo many emails sent. i send emails to people who wont write back. it is fine. i am stupid to ever think that anyone can give as much as i give and this is why i withhold details–because if you cant match incineration for lavacore then you dont deserve it. that is such a cruel lie. it is not a matter of deserving (of course it is) but hierarchically speaking, it is a matter of relevance. what does it matter where i was born or what is the name of my name, hm? it is not relevant to you! im bothered by clutter, by marmot tangle that the head becomes in times of stress like now. i showered for like an hour and i am bleeding and there are troubles on that front but then i took a chalk and said to myself, “WE DO NOT HAVE TIME TO FEEL SICK” and this is true,

if there is anything that is true, it is this.

but we will not end on looming. no desire for dark shadow of gloom or words like “disappointment”. those are ejected from tongue. tongue does not speak of despair. we are shining bright to-day for we must even as the wind gusts outside knocking trees into trees.


10! i.e. 10/10 i.e. 100% i.e. 2/2

May 7, 2010

i am done with two classes.

here is a soul is a soul and a shell is a shell [that means final paper] [what else would that mean you guys] for one of them. check out pages 9-18. that is fucking intense!

JIZZAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH fuckyesfuckyesfuckyes. someone gimma a booya, BOOYA! omga. omgaomgaomga. 2/2 and now all remains is the other 2/4. yes yesyes yesyesyes yesyesyesyesyes. we can do this. only um. 60,000K+ words left to go before i can graduate? naw. no despair. there is no room for despair. only for epic work and epic fun.

onwardz!!!


not time for victory lap yet butttt

May 5, 2010

YESSSSS. we are on page 14 of 15-20 pager. soon we will drink gallons of champagne, define our data, analyze our own regressions, splatter on some policy recommendations, get bj to edit that shit, email it to prof, then we are done with 2/4 classes. OMGA. this leaves opus and haiti. and novel-continuation on own initiative. we can do this we can do this we are so close!

AND we are only on one solitary cup of black coffee from like. hours ago. from like. 9am. and it is now almost 4pm. which brings so much booya and self-reliance feelings of pride it is not even funny.


oi vey

April 26, 2010

good good morning, 4:16am. ohhhhhh boy oh boy. boy oh boy oh boy. goooood day america. good morning america. hi!

something epic must come before goodly oobatron arrives. goodly oobatron, that’s you, you know who you are, that’s you that’s you luv that’s you that’s you. but i must WRITE!


need words

April 25, 2010